


Lost Boys

by Fishyz9



Category: Days of Our Lives
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 11:48:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2771891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishyz9/pseuds/Fishyz9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will outs Paul. Will tells Sonny why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost Boys

** Lost Boys **

“Make me understand. Make me understand how you could do something so…so…”

“So what?” He asks me, challenging me, and for the life of me I can’t work out what’s going on in his head or why there is so much pain those blue eyes.

“How could you do something so cruel?” I ask this beautiful stranger, this man I don’t know. “It happened to you, remember? Remember that? That feeling of exposure, of having the most private part of yourself made public for the entertainment of others?”

“And you felt so sorry for me, didn’t you? You know this entire time I thought what we had was so special. You were my friend, my lover, and then my husband.” He shakes his head at me, his jaw clenching and his eyes glassy. “All this time I was just your _project_.”

My jaw drops. “What?” I breathe. “Where the hell did that come from?”

“Did you fail the first time with him? He wouldn’t come out for you so you gave up and moved on, you came to Salem, set your sights on me…”

My stomach turns over. My throat closes and a dread rises up in me like bile. “Will…”

“And then you succeeded. You saved this lost boy, this closeted, useless boy. You married this—”

“God, Will. _Stop._ Please don’t say those things.”

“But then your first lost boy shows up in town and you just can’t help yourself.”

I have to choke out my words. “How…how did you know that Paul...that we…”

“That you were a couple?” Pain flitters across his expression. “That’s all you care about, isn’t it? That his secret is out. That the secret you were keeping from me, _for_ _him_ , is now out and it’s no longer this secret link between you. Now he doesn’t owe you any—”

“Who told you?”

“Who gives a _fuck_ who it was?” He growls at me.

I instantly look towards Ari’s bedroom and he follows my gaze, then looks back at me. His lips tremble and he lets out a humourless laugh.

“She’s with Marlena; I figured we’d have some choice words for each other now that I’ve outed your boyfriend.”

“He’s not…” The words get clogged in my throat. “This can’t be you. Are you so jealous that my ex moved into town, that I kept this from you that you’d—?”

“Secrets, secrets, secrets. _No more secrets, Will_.” He mocks.

“Stop it!” I shout at him. “It was a promise I made before I even met you. Not to mention that you made it abundantly clear, way back when, that you didn’t want to know who I’d been with.”

“Well it never entered my mind for a second that your ex might be a famous, rich, athlete that would one day follow you back to Salem!”

“He didn’t come here for me.”

“ _I don’t care why he came here_!”

“No, no you only care about getting your name in _print_ , about how much money you can make at the expense of others!”

My words hit their mark. He lets out an involuntary breath and hunches slightly, like I’ve winded him. “You keep doing that,” he whispers. “Why do you do that?”

I try to reach for him, my hands shaking but he shies away from me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…I didn’t…”

“Why do you always think the worst of me?”

“Will, you did something _terrible_.”

“This must be what she felt, my mother. My god….” He says breathlessly. “I can’t believe I gave her so much hell. I’m surprised she didn’t _kill_ Abi, because that’s what I want. I want Paul to hurt _so damn much,_ ” he says through gritted teeth. “I want his career to be over, I want his parents to hate him and disown him. I want him to _suffer_.”

“You’re not capable of that much hate.”

“But you are that much of a hypocrite.”

“I don’t even—I kept one secret from you. _One_ secret, so you decide to just destroy his entire—”

His eyes screw shut and a look of distaste so strong distorts his face before he backs away from me. “ _Don’t_! Just…just stop!”

“ _What_? What am I doing?”

“Protecting him! You’re choosing him over me with your every word!”

“I don’t know how it is I’m doing that!” I plead with him desperately, my hands reaching for him and then curling in on themselves helplessly when he won’t let me close. My voice shakes because I can actually see him slipping away from me as we speak, like sand between my fingers. “Will, you-you can’t just out someone because I used to date them.”

He blinks at me and then takes a step back, letting out a humourless laugh.  “How much of the article did you actually read?”

“What?”

“You think I’m so petty that I would destroy someone’s career because they used to date you?”

There it is again, that feeling of utter dread. He picks up the magazine, the magazine with Paul’s face on the front cover and that now sits on every newsstand within a hundred mile radius, if not further. He throws it at me none to gently and I catch it, holding it to my chest.

“Turn to page three and _read_.” He says gravely.

I don’t want to. I don’t need to. I already know. That’s what that look is. It’s heartache. It’s complete and utter heartache swimming in those blue eyes.

He knows.

“I don’t want to.” I whisper.

“You don’t want to? You don’t want to read how I describe him as a conniving, pathetic excuse of a man? Too afraid to tell mommy who he really is and unrepentant in using woman after woman to cover the fact that he’s a _fag_.”

I’ve shattered him, I’ve completely shattered him.

“You don’t want to read about how he…” he hesitates, his saying out loud whatever comes next being the final step before it’s out there between us. “You don’t want to read about how he sleeps with married men? Men with families?”

“Oh god,” I whisper, closing my eyes. The magazine slips from my hands, splaying across my feet. “How did you…how…?”

“Does it really matter?”

“ _How_?” I breathe.

He struggles for a moment, holding back the tears. “He made sure I knew, Sonny.”

I’ve never felt so decimated, so ashamed in all my life. “I-I’m…”  I say, aghast, breathless, and it’s only now that I let it sink in, that I let what I did feel real. “I am so sorry.”

I had a true love. A true, forever type of love. I married him, I got scared of losing him, and so I hurt him—both of us.

“You had sex with another man.” He whispers, his hands limp at his sides. “You took your love and you gave it to someone else. The love you promised to me.”

“No.” I shake my head vehemently. “No it wasn’t love.” I panic. “It…it was just this unanswered question in my head, you know? Mixed in with all this…this fear and anger. It’s wasn’t love, it was just passion, Will. I swear—”

“ _Passion_?” He spits out the word. “It was that good, was it? He gave it to you so good that it was _passion_?”

I close my eyes. “That’s not…I didn’t mean…”

He steps closer to me. “No, tell me. How many times? Where? Was it here, in our home? Where our daughter sleeps? Did you…” His voice breaks. “Did you lie in each other’s arms afterwards? Did you cradle his head to your chest and run your fingers through his hair like you treasure him? Did…” He stops to wipe at his cheek. “Did you even once think about losing me?”

“Don’t.” I croak out, unable to stop the tears.

“No! No you don’t get to cry!” He chokes out, taking me by the arms and shaking me. “You don’t get to cry because _you_ did this!”

“That’s not fair, Will. _Please_ …” He lets go of me and steps away, running his hands through his hair like he’s losing his mind. “There’s so much twisted shit that lead up to this, Will. It wasn’t something I did on a whim.”

“Oh, well, it’s good to know that you gave throwing our vows out the window some thought first.”

“ _You left me_!” I yell at him. “You said our life was boring and then you took our kid and you left, and you were _excited_ about it!”

“ _I left with your goddamn permission_! It’s amazing to me how you so conveniently forget that! You forget that I said I didn’t want to go without you! Just like you forgot that you read and loved the article I wrote about my mother and EJ before it blew up in my face! Then suddenly you _hated_ it!”

I’m left stunned. There’s something else going on here, something other than my infidelity.

He takes a big gulping breath. “You build me up so high, you make me feel so loved and wonderful, and then you pull the rug out from beneath my feet. Every. Time.”

 “What?” I shake my head. “I don’t—”

“And I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry that I fail at everything. I’m sorry that you have to constantly apologise for me. I’m sorry that-that you thought you’d married someone you could be proud of, but I tried to warn you, I _tried_ to give you an out!”

“What are you…what are you _saying_?”                                                        

“I’m saying that yes, I wanted to be there for my mother, and yes I was excited to be given such an opportunity, but mostly I was relieved that I could finally do something that would explain to people why I managed to get Sonny Kiriakis to love _me_ , Will- _loser_ -Horton.”

“Baby…” I breathe, shaking my head.

“But then I got there and…and it was exciting for a few days, it was. But then I couldn’t keep up, Sonny. I couldn’t give them what they were asking for and I had no idea what I was doing and… and…”

He wipes angrily at the tears slipping down his cheeks and I swallow hard. I had no idea.

“I was so overwhelmed, Son. So overwhelmed that even when the one person I wanted to talk to— _you_ —even when you called, I just snapped at you because I didn’t have time to think, and I didn’t want you to hear in my voice that I was sinking fast. I was scrambling so hard to just try and give them the bare minimum of what was expected…”

“Will, baby, there’s no shame in getting something wrong. Just because they didn’t like what you wrote doesn’t mean it wasn’t good.”

“And then I came home,” he continues. “I came home and it was just such a relief to see you and touch you and…” he shakes his head. “Everything I said was true. I’d missed you; I was crazy to think I could go without you for so long, but you dismissed that and zeroed in on the one thing that I hid from you.”

“That’s not fair, can you really blame me for coming to the conclusion I came to?”

“What conclusion is that? That I was miserable to be home and used you as an excuse so that no one would have to know I was fired?”

“Why would you be happy to come home to me, Will? Tell me. I mean, you made it clear that what we had wasn’t enough. I even…” I take a heaving breath. “I even tried to open this new club, to show you that our lives could be something more right here, but before I could even mention it you…” I trail with a heavy sigh.

“You…you did that because of what I said?” He says, pressing his hand to his chest, his brows drawn together sadly.

“Like I said, Why would you be happy to come home to just me when you were so goddamn happy to leave me in the first place?”

“I _was_ happy to come home to you! And if you weren’t so gung-ho on believing in the absolute worst of me then you wouldn’t have questioned that. I mean, angry that I kept something from you?” He says with a pointed look. “Sure. But…but to rail on me like you did. To make me feel so embarrassed and ashamed when all I wanted was a hug…”

On instinct I just reach out for him, desperate to hold him, but he moves out of my reach the instant I move.

“You used it as justification to answer that ‘ _unanswered question_ ’, didn’t you?”  He wets his lips. “Answer me. You—”

“Yes.” I force out, feeling my chin tremble. “Yes, fine. I was insecure and hurting and…and curious about what I had left behind. I remembered how much I loved him when I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be loved by you, okay?”

He watches me, miserable and alone, just like me. “You know that I’m not so much of a victim that I can’t see that I acted appallingly towards you, right? I had reasons; you had reasons, but…”

“But I’m the one who…”

“Yes” he whispers. “I wish so much that you hadn’t.”

I nod my head, and we’re quiet for a few moments.

“Do you, I mean, do you even regret…?”

I let out a startled breath. “How can you _ask_ that?”

“Because I know you’re upset right now, but I don’t know if you’re also relieved. There are two people who love you, and you get to choose. _You’re_ the one who decides…”

“We’re _married_.”

He nods. “Yeah, I kind of thought that _was_ a decision, but apparently not. I thought it meant that I didn’t have to worry about not being enough for you anymore, that it meant you chose me and I was safe with you, but look at where we are.”

I’m left momentarily speechless. “You actually think that I’m torn on this? That I don’t know what— _who_ I want?”

He tries to keep his face still but he gives himself away by the way his lips dip at corners and by the way his hands clench and unclench.

“You had no business marrying me. None at all. Not if a month apart and me being a jerk was enough for you to…to...”

“It’s you, okay? It will always be you. I choose you.”

“And what about _him_?”

I close my eyes. “He’s not some villain, Will.”

“No, of course he’s not. He’s just the guy you thought was worth throwing me away for.”

“Will…”

“Is he your anchor too?” He whispers.

I have nothing to say. There’s nothing I can say that can make this better. Finally, I swallow hard and find my voice. “What it is you want?”

“What I want?”

I nod.

“I want to never have left in the first place. I want to go back and warn myself not to get too comfortable. I want to be the one who gave you the money to save your business. I want for him to not exist at all. I want for you to…” his voice breaks and covers his mouth for a moment. “I want for you to _not love him_ , to only love me like you promised. I want it to be impossible for you to love anyone but me. I want to be someone else completely. I want to wish that I’d never met you. I want to hate you. I want to disappear completely. And I want you to hold me so bad I-I can’t even breathe with how much I want…”

I pull him into my arms and hold him so tight that he can’t possibly push me away, but he’s limp in my arms, his tears wet against my neck and his shoulders shaking.

“I trusted you.” He chokes out. “Gave you my heart and trusted you and…and…”

“Will,” I say tremulously. “There are no words for how sorry I am. I treasure you. I love _you_. I want only you. There is no choice to make here, I promise. You could leave and never come back and there would still be no choice. I would still love you wherever you were. I would love you even if it meant the death of me. I love you.”

“I hate this. I hate this feeling,” he says as he pulls away from me and turns his back to me to wipe his forearm across his eyes.

“I can’t lose you,” I whisper. “You’re the other half of me.”

He still doesn’t turn around. Instead he walks over to behind the sofa and lifts a backpack I hadn’t noticed until now from behind it, slinging it over his shoulder. My heart jumps into my throat. “What are you doing? Will? Will, oh please, no…no don’t…”

“We’ll be at Marlena’s for now,” he says miserably.

“We can’t leave it like this, Will!”

He pauses, just a few steps away from me. “I know. That’s why it’s just for now, just while I can’t look at you.”

“So you’ll come back?” I ask pathetically.  

I see his throat work as he swallows. “Whatever happens, I want you to know that you will always be her father, I won’t take her away from you, just like I won’t take you away from her.”

“I was talking about us, Will. Please, if you’ve ever loved me then don’t—”

He cuts me off by letting the bag slide from his shoulder and takes two rushed steps to pull me into a rough kiss that eventually becomes soft and slow and heart breaking. We’re left standing there, his hands gently cradling my face, and my hands trembling as they hang onto the sleeves of his shirt. His thumb brushes my cheek, his brow touches mine, but he won’t look me in the eye.

“Please,” I whisper. “Don’t.”

“I need to go.”

I squeeze my eyes shut and feel my expression crumble. He shushes me, his hand sliding to the back of my head as he gently eases my cheek onto his shoulder. I cling to him.

“I just need to be away from here, from you, just for a minute so that I can…if I’m going to get past this then I need to not be near you, because when I’m near you, Son, I can’t think, and I’ll probably end up pushing everything that happened aside because I just want you.”

He finally looks me in the eye.

“And if we do that then we’ll never get over this. We’ll never have that clear connection again. That _home_.”

This, at least, I understand.

“What do I do in the meantime? Stay away? Just…just live without you? Without my Will?”

He picks his backpack up again, heads towards the door, his hand resting on the handle. “You said you would love me wherever I was?”

I nod my head.

“Then do that.”

He leaves.

All I can do is wait. I sink down into the chair and cover my face with my hands, muffling the sobs that want to escape. All I can do is wait. Wait and remember what it is we had, and what we might have just lost.

 

 


End file.
